This is the time of the year where I think about peace the most and find it encouraging that many people are able to put aside their differences whether it be at work or at home, with colleagues or with friends and family to see through the differences, the upsets, the let downs and see the good in people.
Of course this is possible throughout the year. We just need to understand how conflict is formed and how we compound the exact issue we are trying to solve through unconscious behaviour – the conflict cycle. The article to follow will offer you some food for thought. Use it as an exercise for an issue in your life right now.
The Conflict Cycle
1. The other person does
Conflict usually starts with behaviours or actions that you are irritated by in someone other than yourself.
List what it is that the person you are in conflict with does that irritates you. It irritates me when he/she does…
2. I see
These behaviours or actions make you see the person in a certain way.
List how you see the person when he/she behaves in this way. I see the person as….
3. I do
By seeing the person in this way your behaviour reflects what you see and you behave in a certain way.
List how you behave. When I see the person in this way I …
4. The other person sees
By you behaving in a particular way the other person sees you in a certain way.
List how you think the other person might see you when you behave in this way. If this is difficult for you ask a friend or colleague what they would see if they saw you behaving in the way you have listed. This is often an eye opening exercise.
When the other person sees you behaving in this way how do you think he/she starts to behave? Does your answer tie in with what irritates you about them?
…And so the cycle continues getting more and more vicious.
In order to break the cycle you need to take a step back and see the other person in a different way:
HOW?
- Speak to someone who gets on with this person – get curious. What do they see in _____that I don’t?
- Remember something good about this person. When was the last time you got on with the person? What did they do? How did they behave? What did you see in the person then?
- Find an anchor for yourself to get you into a positive frame of mind. This could be a song, a walk, a picture….
If you see something differently you will behave differently thus inviting the other person to see something different in you therefore behaving differently.
Source: The Anatomy of Peace – Arbinger Institute
“Peace is not the absence of conflict but the ability to cope with it.”
“Peace is not something you wish for; It is something you make, something you do, something you are and something you give away.”
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