Exploring Core Values Posted: Jan 30, 2011
The majority of parents are not consciously aware of their core values, which is the driving force behind the need to change someone’s behaviour. Unfortunately, most families don’t acknowledge let alone teach consciously core values. An example would be, a parent is at WalMart and her daughter spots a Bratz doll that she falls in love with. She asks her parent to buy it for her but the parent doesn’t have the money let alone the desire to buy this type of toy for her daughter. When the daughter is told that she can’t have it, the daughter starts to whine shrilly and then starts begging dramatically. The parent stops walking down the toy aisle and tells her daughter to stop having a hissy-fit. The child becomes even more agitated. If dignity, is a core value that the parent holds unconsciously, the parent would automatically warn her daughter that if she doesn’t stop behaving inappropriately then the child would be taken home immediately. If the parent’s core value, is to avoid uncomfortable displays of feelings, the parent would in all probability buy the toy to stop the show of undignified behaviour. Two very different core values coming from two very different understanding of emotional worlds. So how does your child learn this? If the parent who values dignified behaviour, she will naturally guide the undignified child, whether taking the child’s arm and propelling her towards the exit and the vehicle, or having the child follow the parent out of the store. The child has lost the privilege of being in public and will need to wait until another time before she can try it again with some success. If the parent were to change her mind and agree to let the child stay as long as the child behaves with dignity, then the child is learning that dignity is more important than trying to hassle someone in public using dramatic hissy-fits. If the daughter were to try it again within minutes, the parent will have to honour her core value and take her child home immediately. But if the parent buys the toy to maintain dignified behaviour she has now taught her daughter that in order to avoid uncomfortable displays of feelings, the parent is willing to do almost anything. This is a very strong message. The parent is unconsciously setting herself up for disaster! No parent can completely control someone else’s behaviour. The buying of the toy for now will work, but the cost will only get higher and higher. The discipline by taking the child immediately home, is a strong message that the child will learn quickly. The child loses the privilege of being at WalMart, she is taken home where she has no further contact with the public and she has now lost the opportunity to have the toy that she coveted. This discipline also reflects a natural consequence of losing dignity. When the child chose to have her hissy-fit and refused to take note of the importance, she forfeited her privilege of being in a public place where dignity is important to the parent. So, when the parent values dignity in a public place, the parent honours this value, through natural consequences of a time-out from the public until the child can maintain her dignity. It sounds simple but when actually in practice it becomes very difficult because of the lack of conscious awareness about core values that we act upon predictably. So, the question that the parent will need to ask when she feels violated by her child’s behaviour, is what core value has the child violated? As you can see, core values are very complicated and buried within our conscious mind, which may sometimes be painful to expose. The most important idea to keep in mind, is NOT to judge yourself but to UNDERSTAND yourself instead. It is always a win-win situation!
(ArticlesBase SC #4136405)
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